I cried.

It's been a month? since I last posted. And guess who's back? Andrew. I admit I was quite happy when we started talking again. Everything was going almost fine. Until I found out who he likes. I can't believe he didn't tell me before. I'm a little upset. Sure, I love him to death and I always will, but it is obvious he doesn't love me as he did. And I did in fact cry. I cried for 2 days. I thought I was getting him back. But I'm no closer than I was. I'm a fool. Sara was right in telling me to stop talking to him. I wish I'd listen. But now that I'm talking to him again, I don't want to stop just yet.

I feel horribly sick. Sicker than ever. Could it be because of the new moon? Or what? It feels like I am dying. And I know how that kinda feels. It isn't a good feeling. My insides feel like they are slowly decaying. My heart's beat is immensely fast; but it's always like that. But it feels like its getting faster. Sometimes I feel it jump into my stomach. For no reason at all. It hurts. It hurts more than anything. Worse than an arrow through you, a bullet, and even a knife in your back. Nothing can compare to this pain. I'm trying to stick it out, but I'm not sure I can take. My anger is getting worse with me maturing more. My friends took my food at lunch and I got so pissed I took it and just threw everything away without eating anything. I'm getting tired of humans. All of them. Even the ones I love.

My brothers up, I guess I have to stop now.

Ugh.

I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to write about here. Um. MSAs are this Monday and Tuesday and the next Monday and Tuesday. Fucking sucks since I don't know any of the shit. I'm in a higher math class, so all year I've been learning totally different things than what's on the test. And of course the Math test is first. I'll probably fail. Just what I need, huh? Well, I haven't eaten breakfast yet. Maybe I'll reheat a burger or something. Whatever. Toodles.

Super stuffed

Okay, for those of you who actually read these things, my latest post to Day Dreamer 101 technically isn't really a short story type thing. That's all real life. My real thoughts and stuff about my best friends new step-brother, Dean. I really started to click with him that one night. He may be perverted, but he's one of the only guys who was nice to me not because he had to be; but because he wanted to be. Kelli and Lacey are always saying how mean he is. Well, he was pretty darn nice to me and my brothers that night. And, as a matter-of-fact, he does know that I'm a Wiccan. I had my symbol written on my hand that night. He told me it was "cool." Seriously, I'm tres impressed. Now I truly don't know what he is. All of the entry is true. ALL OF IT. I am a teenage werewolf struggling with what to do right now. And, for the record, I have no idea what I am going to do. Not just about Dean, but with everything. This new pack; new responsibility. I can't stand to be around most humans now! Its so different. I always, always, walk alone now. I don't talk to anyone or make eye contact. I try not to talk to the teachers so much or give anything away that I'm different. Like now, I'm starting not to care if people know. I am proud to be what I am, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Humans can judge me all they want, but I'll always know in my heart that this is where I'm supposed to be. This is what's supposed to happen. When I hit my maturity age, I know something big is going to happen. I've seen glimpses of it. Yes, I have vision type things. That's just one thing that I know will get stronger when I'm of age. I used to have them when I was little. I don't mean like every now and again, either. I mean all the time. Even the littlest things, I'd have a vision about. People thought I was insane when I'd tell them. I never used to understand why. I thought everyone got them. I told my grandmother, she understood. She knew what was going on. But no one else did. That's why I miss her, she knew about all of this. Even the things I have yet to learn. I guess that was her reason for not telling me sooner: because she wanted me to feel it for myself. But okay, cool by me. I think it'll be a pretty fun ride. I'd better go before my father sees me typing; oh, one last thing, my parents have no idea about this. But then again, I don't know if any one's do. Hopefully I'll get to post again, but until then, au revoir.

Wow.

Haven't been on here in forever. Breaks coming, so I'll just post then instead of now. =]

So many complications!

Mike broke up with Beth. Now how am I supposed to not like him? Gah! Stupid de-.... yeah that. Why did he have to go and do it?! I mean, Beth was the whole reason why I could convince myself that it wasn't going to happen. But you know what, I have a "feeling" that it will. I don't want to, you know, go out with him or anything. Well, I do, but I'm afraid that the secrets will come out more and people would start to look at me funny. Especially at lunch. I sit with a bunch of people and talking about what we talk about in front of them wouldn't be wise. People already think I'm weird for talking to him at all. But he's not so bad if they knew why he acted out the way that he does. He does a lot more stuff than Cathrine does. Well, that I know of at least. But, I don't know. It's all kind of weird right now. All the irritating dreams that seem to be coming up more than before. More and more out-of-the-ordinary urges that come. I don't know what's going to happen when I get to 14, but I know it's going to be big. And Mike's going to be around. Maybe even have something to do with it. If I can only figure out what's going to happen, maybe it'll be easier t deal with. But at 11:45 on April 4th, I ave a feeling it's just all going to come at once. And then maybe other things will come as the time passes. I need to find out what's going on. But I haven't the faintest idea how to start.

Dean.

Um, how much more confused could I be about him? He knows the one biggest part of my life, and he doesn't care at all. I think that's something. Because you know, Andrew made such a big deal about it. But Dean....he didn't. He told me it was cool and then we kind of forgot about it. I haven't talked to him much. Because of the whole mom-won't-let-me-over-Lacey's-dad's-house thing. I wish I could go over there. Hopefully I'll be able to. Honestly, I do like Dean. He reminds me of Alex, yet more...out there? I don't know. Dean talks. Alex doesn't. But I'm afraid I'd hurt Lacey. After all, he is her step-brother. I wouldn't want things to be weird for her. But will I be able to help it? I guess I could just keep things to myself. But we all know how badly that can end sometimes. Besides, Kelli practically hates Dean. She wouldn't be alright if she knew I liked him. Lacey wouldn't even talk to me when I brought that up. I don't know what to do. I mean, Lacey called me from her dad's cell phone today, and I could hear Dean in the background. I got butterflies. And he's not even around. I want to call Lacey back, but because i could hear him, I'm afraid to. It'd be weird. Plus she called a few hours ago. Would it be okay to call her back so later afterwards?? I'm not sure. I'm not too good with the whole talking on the phone thing. I'll decide sooner or later. But I don't know what I'll choose: call her back or bail out and talk to her after the break.

3oh!3

One of the best videos I have ever seen. By far, this guy made a better music video than 3oh!3 had. It's more...fun to watch. The other one's kind of weird. So yeah, this guy did awesome. Bravo!

Arrrg.

Haven't been on here much lately. Wish I could've been. I've made things on Iconator and stuff. Um. I don't like anyone anymore. Ome, Beth is going out with Mikey. My Mikey! But whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm done with the whole liking people for a while. Um, we're off for Thanksgiving break and all that. Dommy and them are over and mom's at school. Um, I wrote some things on paper, but I hadn't posted them here. A topic for this entry would be nice.

Ah, yes. Twilight. I saw it on Saturday. Was it as good as the books? No. Was it still totally wicked awesome? No doubt! I think they captured Edward and Bella's relationship really well. They nailed almost all the parts. Some minor details such as how Alice and Bella didn't really click and Bella's iPod were about it. But not entirely noticeable. Only to a true fan =] Kaleb made some good points in his review on Twilight. Basically I have his same opinions. Same favorite parts. I assure you, if you haven't seen the movie, his site doesn't contain any spoilers =] But all I can say is that Twilight was the best. They made it perfectly. Not only that but New Moon is already being produced. I can't wait for Jacob to come into the picture more! I think they picked a good guy to play Jake. New Moon will be good. Rob said he can't wait to do his suicidal scene, haha. I can't either. I think he'll capture Edward's feelings about that well. Once again, can't wait! XD Well, Au revoir!

Dang it!

I have fallen for someone you will not believe. Mike. Ugh. How did this happen? We come from two different places, but we're so much alike. Lucky him, he has his sight already. I have to wait until I'm 14 before I'll be able to see perfectly. But he tells me how great it is. More like rubs it in. But even though a lot of people think he's a freak, I understand everything. Of course, I have good reason: we're going through the same thing. Though no one knows that, it's true. He and I are a lot alike yet totally different. He'll say or do something and I'll understand it perfectly. I don't want to like him. Hopefully, it won't end in something. want to have some what of a normal life. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if something more were to come, but still. The world would be against us completely. Even if we get along perfectly fine. People think Mikey's crazy when he blurts out some things, I just laugh, because all it is is an "inside thing." That's it. Done deal, my friends. We get each other, that's as far as I'm going on with this.

Well then.

Guess who's screwed? That's right, none other than moi. I missed a whole bunch of French because of my stupid klutziness. Now I'm going to be sitting in class tomorrow, wondering what the heck everyone is saying. Great. Just what I need. Not to mention Emili has been reading my blogs on myyearbook. That's even worse. So, everything I put in that stupid thing, she's most likely read. All my stupid sayings and confessions. Dang. Just what I need, someone else to think I'm a freak. I've already got this new girl on my bus scared. Ah, hell. Whatever. I don't care. Just as long as they don't talk to me, I'm fine. I don't want to have to repeat 6th grade again. That was pure murder. And you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. but that's fine. I don't really want to go into it. I'll just give a recap:

I said something to Andrew, his mom found out, I got sent to the guidance consular. They called my parents, I got my laptop taken out of my room, and so my love of reading expanded. But I never forgave any of them for what they did to me. I'm a very unusual being, deal with that. I say things and do things normal people don't do. But hey, I'm not a normal person. Neither is Mikey, but no one seems to care. I wish I could be him. He doesn't have to worry about his parents finding things out and putting him away in some asylum. Of course, I do. Sometimes, I wish my grandmother never smoked. I wish she was here. She understood everything. Everything went downhill when she died. I got labeled as "goth" and became introduced to different things that she would have known everything about. No one would get that. And I don't want you to. I'm not on drugs or anything. That would be stupid. So don't even start thinking that. It's just, my family history is what I'm trying to say. Things that went back a few centuries and now is up to me. I don't know why or how, but it is. And not a day goes by where I regret it. Without this knowledge, I would have never known Ivory. Without him, I wouldn't have Damien, Erron, or Icefire here with me today. I wouldn't have any of the friends I have now. They wouldn't know me or care about me like they do now. They'd just see me as the goth girl who never speaks. That's how I'm seen to people now. Without them around, that's all I am to people. All I am to anyone. But you know what, you'll never see me care about what people think about me. If they say something to me, I might just go Jacob Black on them. I'm not afraid to. I'm not afraid of them, of anything. The only thing I am afraid of, is losing everything that matters most to me.